Forgiveness And Love
by His Singer1
Summary: The past never leaves and her guilt never subsides. His regret lives with him always and the memories never stop. some are worth saving and some are worth forgiveness and memories are part of the past but some are worth keeping.
1. Guilt

**Twilight Stands on it's own.**

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><p>The wind blew fiercely around me trying to pull me backward but I trudged on through the fallen leaves on the ground pulling my jacket around me tightly to keep out the chill. The field looked beautiful with the fallen leaves and their different colors, I've always loved the fall season and fall colors it was a close second to summer my number one favorite season.<p>

I looked around seeing workers raking up the leaves and some people visiting different sites, besides the beautiful leaves the headstones stood out grey white and black marble slabs embedded in the ground. I've never had much experience with graveyards and every loved one I knew of that died all was cremated but I had to come here to this grave site. It was something I felt was a rule of my life, every year on the eve of Halloween I would come here and pay my respects.

If it wasn't for me she wouldn't be here six feet under and_ he_ would be here, no matter what my thoughts always tend to go back to him and my involvement in the reason he left. It was hard to come here every year but tomorrow would be excruciating and no matter how I prepared myself it would hit me hard. It took many months of therapy for me to get where I'm at today, for me to be able to come here and feel anything other than guilt. Guilt that has ruled my life, I wasn't over it no but it has gotten easier.

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><p>I arrive at the grave spot approaching it slowly feeling the tears pool in my eyes, it was no different but I pushed on until I was standing in front of the big white stone that haunted me every day, I sat on the ground just staring in silence as always. I put new flowers on the head brushing away the leaves before seeing the words engraved in the stone, they would be engraved there forever a reminder to her that she was lucky to be alive.<p>

She just sat until the sky changed colors and the sun was getting ready to set and her legs felt numb, she sighed before getting up and brushing off her clothes, she took one last look before whispering a heartfelt apology and turning back around. There was no words she could say to change the way things were so she always whispered apologies, she meant it from the bottom of her heart. If she could change the past then this would be the first thing she changed.

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><p>She went home to the house she shared with Charlie thinking she would take a nap before cooking dinner, she didn't think he would be home yet but there he was sprawled out on the couch with the TV still on fast asleep. She smiled at the content look on his face before covering him with a blanket, she begin to walk towards the steps but stopped when she saw formal envelope sitting on the table.<p>

She never got letters except from her mother but she never sent any like this, peaked with curiosity she picked up the envelope it was addressed to her. She opened it and her heart beat fast as she read on, this was supposed to be a happy occasion with family and friends so why were they inviting her? It's been four years at least since anyone contacted her least of all inviting her to a wedding.

She was happy despite the situation that Rosalie and Emmett were getting married; she was just confused and slightly hurt. Confused to as why they wanted her there and hurt that this was the first time they acknowledged her, she wanted to go and forget the past but she couldn't forget and she couldn't be sure of their intentions. But she couldn't pretend that this was the reason of her indecision, she knew_ he_ would be there and she wasn't sure she could handle that. She put the envelope back making the decision to forget about it, it was for the best.


	2. Closure

**Twilight Ownership is spoken for by SM.**

**I Really Have No Idea Why I Keep Switching Tenses .**

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><p>The contents of the letter were on my mind all week and I changed my mind so much within the whole week, on Halloween I kept myself really busy so as not to think and bring back past memories. It was hard but I had help from Charlie and my mom's latest adventure kept me from self-destructing. I kept extra busy at work taking extra hours and doing everything in my power to put the letter out of my mind.<p>

I should have known it wasn't that easy and sometimes I found myself slipping remembering the second family I had and the friends I made. Life was good with the Cullen-Masens and I always felt lucky to be included but the strongest memory was of him, that unruly bronze tinted hair and his olive green eyes and the warmth of his smile. The softness of his touch and the reason I fell so hard for him, his goodness of the heart and the fact that he was always saving me.

It was easy when I thought they hated me and blamed me, when they stopped calling and coming over and finally the last straw when they moved away. One day they were here, ignoring me but they were here and then they disappear without so much as a goodbye. I had to find out from someone else, I know it was hard for them but I didn't expect this from him. It always seemed to her that he might like her more than a friend but she learned the hard way.

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><p>It was at dinner when Charlie brought the letter up, normally he would be careful when he spoke about the around her. He was concerned about her when they moved away well more than concerned, it took some time for her to truly get over it but she thinks she never was over it and tried to force it upon her.<p>

"How was your week?" he asked scooping a helping of food onto his plate.

She thought about her week plagued with memories and crying herself to sleep and reliving flashes of that day. She could tell him the truth but he would worry even more and she didn't want any pity.

"Good" I lied easily.

"You visited Jessica at all?" he asked looking at her suspiciously.

"No I don't think I need to" she said with certainty but it was also a lie. She was doing well with talking to her therapist once a month and now she was thinking she might need it.

He sighed "Bella I saw the letter" he finally said.

I nodded looking down at my plate.

"I know they hurt you and I'm angry on your behalf but I think them reaching out to you means they want to fix this and I think you should go" he continued.

I couldn't believe he was saying this I thought he would understand if they wanted to apologize I couldn't care less they had their chance. I was doing well without them, without the constant guilt and without reminders of him.

"Dad I'm not going, I need to stay here with you and forget about the Cullen's" I said firmly trying to make him believe it but also myself.

"That's the problem you can't forget and I don't think you want to, if you did then you need to get closure and I think this is a start" he tried reasoning.

"It still doesn't excuse what they did and they can't contact me after four years like nothing happened!"

I was angry now and I felt like I would cry any minute, when I experience any emotion tears are always the end result. I wanted to forget but most of all I wanted to act like I didn't care and act like I didn't want to see him. A part of me is hoping for closure but the other part is scared of the answers.

He got up coming around to my side and hugging me tightly "I know bells but at least call them you never know there might be more to the story than you know"

Charlie's words stayed with me all through the night and into the morning, I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep so I paced back and forth weighing my pros and cons but I knew the answer already. I grabbed the phone and dialed the number in the letter my heart racing and palms sweating, it rang four times and each time my nervousness mounted but before I could hang up someone finally answered.


	3. Fear

**Do not Own Twilight.**

**Of Course Edward Can't Be Dead. This Will Be HEA.**

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><p>"Hello?" a woman answered.<p>

I sucked in a breath I didn't know I was holding, I had hoped and was afraid that he would answer and now my relief is just brief. I recognize this voice though it sounds older but still the same and I feel a wave of nostalgia hit me. I could remember when I stayed up all night talking to this voice on the phone every day.

"Alice?" I asked just to make sure.

There was a pause and then she was rambling on "Oh my god Bella, I wasn't sure if you would call but you did and I'm so glad you did. I know this is so sudden and you probably don't want to but Rosalie really wanted you at the wedding" she said in a rush.

I almost smiled it was just like back in high school, she would just ramble on and you would have to stop her or she would continue. I didn't know what to say well I did but I didn't know how to start, I thought it would be rude to say why did you want me to call? Why do you want me in the wedding?

She must have sensed my dilemma because she spoke again "okay so I know we have so much to talk about and explain and if you want to hear it we have no problem explaining. I just need to know if you are coming to the wedding, its okay if you say no Bella we understand. I'm kind of the wedding planner so I'm left to deal with most of the stuff"

I noticed she kept saying we but I wanted her to admit it herself, I wanted her explanation well maybe I wanted more. I was confused and all I wanted was answers and I wanted to forgive them, I wanted a better explanation than sorry and we understand.

"I want to come….. But I need answers Alice…. I've spent most of life wondering what I did wrong" I finally replied.

"Then you'll get answers, you come to the wedding and also get your answers and after everything is said and done it's up to you. If you never want to see us again we'll respect your choice" she said softly.

Before she gives her answer she has just one question, she shouldn't care at all this is not an event that revolves around him but truthfully is does revolve around him. Around both of them, she wants to know so she can be prepared.

"Will he be there?" she asks.

"Yes and Bella "

"Yes?"

"If it's too much I'll understand"

She doesn't care she just want to get it over with it, she wants to move on and live her life without guilt. She wants to forget.

"Its fine Alice I'll be there"

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><p>She sits in a spacious office filled with one couch and a chair and a desk with a computer, it's practically empty but the colors on the wall make it look lively. She crosses and uncrosses her ankles again and again playing with the hem of her skirt. Every time she's here it makes her nervous, nervous about being so exposed. Something about spilling her utmost secrets and feelings. The click of the door interrupts her thoughts and she turns to see Jessica walk in the room smiling at her. Her smile puts her at ease and she relaxes against the back of the couch.<p>

"So, it's been a while" Jessica begins taking a seat.

She nods "yes I've been doing fine…."

"I guess you are and yet you're here with no appointment" Jessica says in a question.

"Something has come up and I need your advice"

"Okay so tell me" she says letting her lead.

"The Cullen's contacted me, it was a letter inviting me to a wedding and at first I didn't want to go but Charlie thought it might be good for closure. I thought so to but I was afraid but I called Alice and she says it's up to me. All I want is answers but what if I get something else? Do you think this is a good move?" She explained.

Jessica stared at me for a long moment before speaking "I can't tell you that Bella, you want answers and going to the wedding will get you the answers but this fear you have we might need to explore it"

She sighs "I Have worked hard to get where I am today and I think this will complicate things"

"Do you like being stuck Bella? Do you enjoy the guilt that almost destroyed you?"

"Of course not!"

"So here you have this opportunity to get rid of it but you're stalling"

She shifted in the seat not knowing how to explain

"What is it that you fear exactly?"

That it won't change anything and that what I feel and think is right.

"What if I'm right?"

"What if you're wrong?"

"Bella the past belongs in the past but you can't move forward if you don't take risk to get there"

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><p><strong>Yup the tense switched again( * Sigh*)<strong>


	4. Questions

**Twilight=SM**

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><p><em>There was this tree house I had found some feet away from my house, it seemed deserted and it didn't look like anyone was using it. There were rickety steps leading the way up and the whole thing felt like it could easily fall anytime. The inside was small but big enough for two or less to fit, it smelled like fresh cut grass and it was empty but to me it felt like home.<em>

_I was alone most of the time and I had yet to make friends since I moved here but I was content to keep to myself. Here was somewhere I could come when I needed time alone it would be like my sanctuary away from home. From that day forward I kept coming back, I brought books with me and before long I had it fixed up to make it homey. It was mines and only mines._

_That changed one day late in the afternoon in the summer, Charlie was going to take me somewhere so I got dressed up which is something I usually hate to do, I was a jeans and t-shirt girl it was comfort over couture. I had put on a blue sundress and actually curled my hair but instead of shoes I wore sneakers, I waited patiently for Charlie to come home from work but he had to stay late at work and cancelled, deep inside I felt rejection but I played it off like It didn't matter. I was kind of looking forward to spending time with him, with my mom it always seemed like she was too busy for me and this cancellation because of work felt like the same._

_I thought I would call my mother and she would soothe me and let me vent to her but she wouldn't answer her phone, she was too busy for me again and with escaping tears I went to escape to my sanctuary but when I got there someone beat me there. As I slowly climbed the ladder I saw shoes lying in the entry way and when I got closer I saw someone lying fast asleep on the floor. I should be scared that s stranger was in my sanctuary but I was angry, angry at my mother and father and I used that that to deal with the stranger._

_I walked forward and kicked him gently with my foot, he didn't move so I kicked him harder and then he jerked awake. I didn't give him time to fully open his eyes before I started yelling._

"_You're trespassing get out before I call the police!" I yelled._

_He rubbed his eyes and sat up and I could see him clearly now and I froze in place, it could have been that I was in the presence of a boy all alone or it could be how beautiful he looked. Maybe his green eyes or long lashes or maybe it was his voice when he spoke._

"_What the hell!" he exclaimed._

_He was young he his voice was deep and made me feel things I only read about._

"_Who the hell are you!" he said to me squinting._

_I was still frozen staring at him unabashed but when he said that I snapped out of it angry all over._

"_You're in my tree house, who the hell are you!" I retorted._

_He stood up all 6 ft. of him as he towered over me, he moved closer and we stared at each other in wonder_

"_You're Charlie swans daughter you look just like him" he finally spoke._

"_Well you look much better than what I thought, I'm Edward Cullen- masen" he said._

_I stared "Two last names?"_

_He shrugged_

"_I'm Bella"_

_He smiled "so you found the old tree house, it was here before your dad lived here and I've always came here but now it's his property and I usually sneak in here when he's at work"_

_I narrowed my eyes at him " well not it's my property and I want you out and if you sneak back here again I'll have my dad put you in jail" I said and sat in my chair ready to read._

_He stared at then laughed out loud "you're feisty I like it and let's not get out of hand we can both share the tree house"_

_I glared at him "who said anything about sharing?"_

"_Well you always share with your friends"_

_I looked around "I don't see any of my friends here"_

_He laughed again "Except your new friend" he replied before finally leaving_

_That was the start of a friendship that grew into something more and finally died._

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><p>Charlie was so proud of me for going; he drove me to the airport smiling the whole way there. He told me that whatever happened that he'll always be there and I believed him.<p>

The nervousness didn't start until the plane landed and I was strongly thinking of getting back on the plane but I would do this for Charlie and for me. I got my suitcase and slowly walked down to the waiting area, with each step my resolve would waver but I kept going.

I looked through the crowed for Alice, trying to spot her pixie hair and short stature but I finally saw her standing near the back. She saw me too and we stared for a few seconds before she moved forward.

"Bella?" she said and stopped.

I thought about all the things I could say and should say except in this moment it didn't matter, it was like old times after not seeing each other for a while. Missing your best friend while she was away and when she came back it was like she never left.

"It's me" I replied before walking towards her with open arms.

We embraced tightly and before long we were both crying openly, she was still the same except her hair was longer. She was squeezing me tightly whispering about her sorry she was and how she missed me, I relished in the feeling of being missed and loved. We finally pulled away and walked hand in hand to the car outside. We didn't say a word as we drove but the silence was comforting, I wanted to speak but I didn't know what to say.

"You look great Bella, it's so good to see your face" she spoke.

I smiled at her compliment "and you Alice, I love your hair"

She laughed "I've always said I wanted hair like yours and I imagined when it came true but it wasn't the same without you"

There was silence and the moment I was dreading popped up, I didn't know how to broach the subject but if I didn't say it now I would never say it.

"So why did you leave?" I whispered.

There was a pause "Bella it was many things and I won't lie and say you weren't a part of it"

I nodded feeling tears start to gather, I always suspected much but hearing it makes it hurt worse.

"But Bella my reason wasn't because of you and I want to tell you everything but I need to know if you want to hear it now or after the wedding"

I was tired of waiting I wanted to know now before I met up with everyone.

"Now" I answered.

"Okay we can go somewhere to talk or do you want to go straight to my house? That's where all the girls are staying"

I paused it was be so good to see everyone but I wasn't ready yet and I wanted to talk about her specific reasons in private. We went to a little café and ordered cappuccinos, we drank in silence not knowing how to begin before she out down her cup and spoke.

"Forks was our home but that one memory tainted it and we wanted to get away, well I didn't know we were leaving until the end and I wanted to stay but they were my family and I had to go" she began.

That wasn't hard to hear as I thought because I figured as much, it made sense but I wanted to hear it from them. I didn't begrudge them that but the way they left without a goodbye or any indication that I meant something. That I was once a part of the family.

"And I wanted to say goodbye I really wanted to but" she trailed off.

"You didn't care or didn't think I would care because I didn't matter" I finished for her.

There we're angry tears and sad tears and there was the dejected feeling I felt when they first moved away. I was drowning in the misery suddenly I didn't care what they thought, I didn't want answers all they did was cause more pain. I should have never come I knew I would regret it.

"No Bella you're wrong I did care and I still do, you've always mattered to me. It was Carlisle he wanted to hurt you like you hurt him but I never blamed you at all and I'm so sorry if it felt that way!" Alice exclaimed crying along with me.

Her words hit me like bricks and the guilt seeped back in, there was the naked truth that I feared. Carlisle sweet loving Carlisle wanted to hurt me, it was too much but I let myself take it.

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><p>Alice came around and sat with me looking me in the eye "I wanted to call so much but I honestly didn't think you would want to talk to me. I debated about sending you a letter to explain but I didn't and I know I should have. I should have kept in touch with you Bella but I never forgot. We never forgot" she sniffled.<p>

We were in each other's arms rocking back and forth crying openly but I didn't care it felt good to let everything out to clear the air. I could come to terms with Carlisle's decision because I blamed myself and me and Alice wouldn't just automatically go back to being friends but we could work on it. I would take any friendship I could get.

"I Forgive you little pixie" I said softly using my name for her.

She just held on and we sat there in silence until our tears stopped and quieted and then I felt bad because this was supposed to be a joyous occasion and here I was bringing Alice down.

"Thank you for being honest Alice"

She shook her head "Thank you for giving me a second chance"

We paid for the coffee and left the shop and I felt at least five pounds lighter, I wasn't even thinking but when we pulled up to apices house the butterflies descended and my guard was back up. Alice sensing my discomfort squeezed my hand lightly

"It's just Rose and Emmett's mother and a few other people that will be here" she said to assure me.

I nodded "Does rose know I'm here?" I asked.

She smiled "No it was a surprise I wanted to give her, I know she misses you and that promise you made to be maid of honor at each other's wedding she would want you here"

"I hope so"

"Bella listen don't be too hard on rose, it was easier for me you know that"

I Knew that and I've always knew that, it's what has kept me from hating her and hating him though I might hate him just a little. All I need if for them to forgive me but especially him and then from there I'll figure things out.

"Are you ready?" Alice asked taking my hand.

"As ready as I'll ever be"

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><p><strong>So i'm sure you know the schedule by now.<strong>

**Okay i predict this to be about 20 chapters and all BPOV unless the mood hits me. There is a flashback in the beginning of the chapter but the back story won't be shown alot just some important parts .**

**Questions? Comments? Concerns?**

**Follow me on twitter for updates - his_singer1**


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